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Theoretical Pet Cookery (Poems)

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Frederick The Monk
25116.  Wed Sep 28, 2005 4:34 am Reply with quote

Welcome

This is a thread for writing poetry about Theoretical Pet Cookery. You don't have to write a whole poem, perhaps just a line or two and then let someone else do the tricky bit. Between us we will build the first comprehensive corpus of Pet Cookery in existence.

Note: Theoretical Pet Cookery is a purely philosophical undertaking. Please do not attempt to cook any of the recipe suggestions.

 
Gray
25122.  Wed Sep 28, 2005 4:47 am Reply with quote

The secret to making good stick insect stew
Is to use lots of butter instead of strong glue.
Although they come packed in that stuff in the can,
They're less likely to stick and go black in the pan.

 
Commander
25144.  Wed Sep 28, 2005 7:04 am Reply with quote

Gray wrote:
The secret to making good stick insect stew
Is to use lots of butter instead of strong glue.
Although they come packed in that stuff in the can,
They're less likely to stick and go black in the pan.

Please shake the can before opening the lid!
Take it from me - you'll be glad that you did.
The glue they come packed in is stronger than lead
And the last thing you want is one stuck to your head.

 
Commander
25145.  Wed Sep 28, 2005 7:10 am Reply with quote

Commander wrote:
Gray wrote:
The secret to making good stick insect stew
Is to use lots of butter instead of strong glue.
Although they come packed in that stuff in the can,
They're less likely to stick and go black in the pan.

Please shake the can before opening the lid!
Take it from me - you'll be glad that you did.
The glue they come packed in is stronger than lead
And the last thing you want is one stuck to your head.

Fill a large pan with both water and oil
Then wait a few mins 'til it comes to the boil.
Bung in the insects and boil to a paste.
Season with kittens and spiders to taste.

 
Frederick The Monk
25148.  Wed Sep 28, 2005 7:56 am Reply with quote

I'll now post the original Theoretical Pet Cookery offerings.

It all started with Dot suggesting "Five little kittens in a little cooking pot, ........

 
Frederick The Monk
25149.  Wed Sep 28, 2005 7:56 am Reply with quote

Then I said:

Five little kittens in a little cooking pot,
Pop them in the oven and serve them very hot.

 
Frederick The Monk
25150.  Wed Sep 28, 2005 7:57 am Reply with quote

And Flash added:

Season them with pepper
And a dash of Worcester Sauce
And have them as a starter
Just before the puppy course.

 
Frederick The Monk
25151.  Wed Sep 28, 2005 7:58 am Reply with quote

Dot then produced a design for the cover:

Quote:
Possibly the most exciting 47 minutes of my life I've ever wasted.

Apologies for any offence caused to cat-lovers. No kittens were harmed in the making of this image.

That came later...

 
Frederick The Monk
25152.  Wed Sep 28, 2005 7:59 am Reply with quote

And so we decided to write the QI Book of Theoretical Pet Cookery.

 
Frederick The Monk
25153.  Wed Sep 28, 2005 8:01 am Reply with quote

Dor then added:

One little hamster, two little hamsters, turn them into hash
Stow them in a cooking pot and season with ganache...


Which Flash suggesting altering to:

Stow them in a cooking pot and garnish with ganache

 
Frederick The Monk
25154.  Wed Sep 28, 2005 8:02 am Reply with quote

To which I added:

"One little hamster, two little hamsters, turn them into hash
Stow them in a cooking pot and garnish with ganache.
Then make a jus from ferrets and a mold from frogs and figs,
And serve them all together, on a bed of Guinea pigs.

 
Frederick The Monk
25155.  Wed Sep 28, 2005 8:02 am Reply with quote

Next I added:

Never put a goldfish in a toaster,
And never put a pup under the grill.
The former will just make a piscine coaster
Whilst the latter might just make you very ill.

 
Frederick The Monk
25156.  Wed Sep 28, 2005 8:03 am Reply with quote

And Dot contributed the fabulous:

My neighbour went away last week and left me with her pets
I cooked them in a four couse meal, but she seemed quite upset
"You monstrous beast!" the woman cried, "You've casseroled my bird!"
She was however, sadly wrong ( It was the hors d'oeurvre.)
By the time the kitten course was served, the guests began to flag,
So they took it home for supper in a little doggy bag.

 
Frederick The Monk
25157.  Wed Sep 28, 2005 8:04 am Reply with quote

And I replied:

There's an etiquette to eating pets,
A secret known to many vets....

 
Frederick The Monk
25158.  Wed Sep 28, 2005 8:05 am Reply with quote

Which was then vastly improved by Flash's:

But also printed, plain to see
In Mrs Beeton's Cookery.
It's known, as well, to baronets
From 'special' versions of Debrett's.


Last edited by Frederick The Monk on Wed Sep 28, 2005 9:45 am; edited 1 time in total

 

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