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Whom do I sue?

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rontocknell
1112225.  Fri Jan 16, 2015 6:58 pm Reply with quote

Dear elves,

I am a poet and, as such, I rely heavily on references to The Moon. This is a necessary requirement because I am a wet sentimental poet with limited imagination, of which, there are very few of us left. These skills simply aren't being passed on and, one day, there will be none of us left... THEN you'll be sorry!

The Moon is a vital ingredient as it rhymes with June (very popular), soon, spoon, croon, tune, swoon and lagoon... all of which are frequently called upon to set the romantic scene. There are, of course, many other words that rhyme with 'Moon' but these are more suitable for surrealism, which is another genre entirely.

Having first learned that there is more than one moon orbiting the earth, I have been considerably busy amending the 43,782 poems I have written to date. Although this has simply required the addition of an 'S' in order to pluralise every reference to The Moon, which does impair the integrity of rhyme somewhat but not so much that it is likely to offend, it has resulted in a considerable amount of work on my part. I have only 56 poems left to amend when now I discover that The Moon is actually a planet! This would not only require more work amending the 43,782 poems (as I now have to start again from the beginning) but would require a complete rewrite of the verses in which the lunar references appear and I am confined to a considerably limited range of words with which it would rhyme, the only one of which I can immediately call to mind is 'gannet', although, I am sure, with a little research, I shall find a few others.

I could, of course, use 'Lune' (rhymewise, I think 'Luna' might be pushing it a bit). However, this still leaves the matter of the extensive degree of editing required and, as one is only too aware, time is money.

I appreciate that neither QI nor the BBC could be held responsible for these inconvenient changes but somebody must be. As QI so publicly broadcast the changes, necessitating amendments to be made in haste, perhaps the omniscient elves could be put to the task of establishing who first decided that The Moon should be called The Moon. Should the IAU conclude that the moon is actually a planet, it is unlikely that the Union could be held liable as they would simply be correcting an error. My legal case would have to be against whoever made the original error by establishing that it should be called The Moon.

I did initially contact Bath University's DPR (Department of Pointless Research) but they are currently focusing all available resources on establishing whether or not ladybirds know what colour they are. The only other possible oracle capable of digging up such obscure information as that which I require would be QI's own little elves.

This could result in what our American cousins refer to as a 'Class Action Suit' so you would be doing the world a great service.

 
14-11-2014
1112235.  Fri Jan 16, 2015 8:21 pm Reply with quote

rontocknell wrote:
The Moon

Having first learned that there is more than one moon orbiting the earth, I have been considerably busy amending the 43,782 poems I have written to date.


Solved: many moons, but only one object called Moon.

 
franticllama
1112248.  Fri Jan 16, 2015 9:31 pm Reply with quote

rontocknell wrote:
DPR (Department of Pointless Research)


May I point you in the direction of PDR - he has all the relevant letters and so should be just the person to help you in your quest

 
bemahan
1112295.  Sat Jan 17, 2015 5:48 am Reply with quote

Pointless Department of Research has a ring to it.

14-11-2014 wrote:
rontocknell wrote:
The Moon

Having first learned that there is more than one moon orbiting the earth, I have been considerably busy amending the 43,782 poems I have written to date.


Solved: many moons, but only one object called Moon.


Hmm. Ron is suggesting it be called The Moon rather than just Moon. The loss of the "The" could have a huge impact on how his poems scan.

 
Jenny
1112392.  Sat Jan 17, 2015 11:43 am Reply with quote

The burning question here is - what rhymes with Cruithne?

 
'yorz
1112394.  Sat Jan 17, 2015 11:45 am Reply with quote

Shoot me?

 
Zziggy
1112399.  Sat Jan 17, 2015 11:57 am Reply with quote

Oh lie with me under Cruithne
I would like so much to spoon ya

Wikipedia says Cruithne isn't a moon and doesn't orbit the Earth! (If this was addressed in yesterday's episode my apologies, I haven't seen it yet.)

 
Posital
1112480.  Sat Jan 17, 2015 4:11 pm Reply with quote

If you're looking for someone to sue, then the usual strategy is to target the one with the deepest pockets.

I'd start with god, and work down...

 
trdsf
1112517.  Sat Jan 17, 2015 6:16 pm Reply with quote

Alas, poor Cruithne
We've barely seen ye
You gave quite a twitch
To long-suff'ring Rich
"Which moon?" was the query
That triggered the scary
Klaxonish call
Upon Mr Hall

 
PDR
1112521.  Sat Jan 17, 2015 6:31 pm Reply with quote

Well you could look at rhymes like Thanet and Janet, giving the scope for a sonnet (or perhaps a haiku) about Janet the Gannet from Thanet, and her boyfriend who drives a little white vanette.

Failing that change languages to something that is better suited to poetry like Klingon, Russian or C++.

PDR

 
rontocknell
1112997.  Tue Jan 20, 2015 6:20 am Reply with quote

I had decided that, robbed of my ability to continue referring to the moon, my life no longer has any meaning and I should end it the way of the poet. I opted to leap from the window as this has a poetic feel to it... to cast myself into the void, as it were. However, my wife pointed out that my life had no meaning to begin with and, besides, we live in a bungalow. This is just as well because I have a fear of heights. Well, actually, that's a bit misleading... it's the ground I'm afraid of but I digress. I settled for throwing myself off the sofa instead. It was a gesture.

 
crissdee
1113009.  Tue Jan 20, 2015 6:58 am Reply with quote

PDR wrote:
Well you could look at rhymes like Thanet and Janet, giving the scope for a sonnet (or perhaps a haiku) about Janet the Gannet from Thanet, and her boyfriend who drives a little white vanette.

Failing that change languages to something that is better suited to poetry like Klingon, Russian or C++.

PDR


You are encroaching on the territory of the blessed Mr Dury.

"Had a rendevous with Janet
Quite near the Isle of Thanet
She looked more like a gannet
She wasn't 'arf a pranet*
Her mother tried to ban it
Her father helped me plan it
And when I captured Janet
She bruised her pomegranate"



*Essex colloquialism for person of low intelligence.

 
PDR
1113025.  Tue Jan 20, 2015 7:45 am Reply with quote

rontocknell wrote:
I had decided that, robbed of my ability to continue referring to the moon, my life no longer has any meaning and I should end it the way of the poet. I opted to leap from the window as this has a poetic feel to it... to cast myself into the void, as it were. However, my wife pointed out that my life had no meaning to begin with and, besides, we live in a bungalow. This is just as well because I have a fear of heights. Well, actually, that's a bit misleading... it's the ground I'm afraid of but I digress. I settled for throwing myself off the sofa instead. It was a gesture.


You could always thwow yourself to the gwound, woughly.

I once tried to throw myself from a high window when I lived in LA. But I failed because the air polution at the time meant that I bounced off the outside air back into the room, banging my nose painfully on the wardrobe door handle.

So I sued the wardrobe designer and felt much better afterwards.

PDR

 
rontocknell
1113060.  Tue Jan 20, 2015 9:16 am Reply with quote

Never trust air you can't see.

 

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