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60197.  Thu Mar 16, 2006 6:54 am Reply with quote

Question: If your servant has done seven years duty in your house, but doesn't want to leave because he/she enjoys it so much, what's the right thing to do?

Answer: Nail their ears to the door.

Notes: Deuteronomy 15:17-18 says:
And it shall be, if he say unto thee, I will not go away from thee; because he loveth thee and thine house, because he is well with thee;

Then thou shalt take an aul, and thrust it through his ear unto the door, and he shall be thy servant for ever. And also unto thy maidservant thou shalt do likewise.

There are other laws set out in Deuteronomy which are still relevant today. Although cross-dressing is forbidden (22:5), there's still a danger (22:30) that
A man shall not take his father's wife, nor discover his father's skirt.

Men who have suffered terrible personal injuries are also let off church (23:1)
He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.

They writers are also pretty strict about which birds one can eat. No hawks, ravens, owls or swans. No pelicans, eagles or cormorants. No storks, herons or lapwings. And no bats neither. Or insects.

There is some practical DIY advice, however (22:8), concerning working at a height:
When thou buildest a new house, then thou shalt make a battlement for thy roof, that thou bring not blood upon thine house, if any man fall from thence.

Because you don't want to get blood on your nice walls, do you?

Deuteronomy consists of history and laws passed down to the Israelites while they were in the Moab desert section of their wilderness trek. It's been contested whether Moses actually wrote them, as claimed, because there's a description of his death and burial in it.

Deuteronomy (from King James Bible)

Frederick The Monk
60502.  Fri Mar 17, 2006 12:06 pm Reply with quote

We did a bit a few years back on Abominations which had a lot of Deuteronomy fun and games in it. See thread starting here. For instance it forbids the wearing of mixed weave fabrics:

DO NOT wear clothes woven from two kinds of thread, for instance wool and linen.

and the use of rocks as collateral:

THOU SHALT NOT take a millstone as a pledge.

Those unwilling to go along with the rules are also in danger of receiving a nasty botch!:

"The LORD shall smite thee in the knees, and in the legs, with a sore botch that cannot be healed, from the sole of thy foot unto the top of thy head."

60548.  Fri Mar 17, 2006 2:38 pm Reply with quote

Also, you're not allowed to have two rulers of different sizes:
25:14 Thou shalt not have in thine house divers measures, a great and a small.

60551.  Fri Mar 17, 2006 2:41 pm Reply with quote

Heh - I like the fact that terraced housing is immoral too.

60630.  Sat Mar 18, 2006 5:43 am Reply with quote

We should have a totting-up amongst the panellists, on a Damnation Special perhaps, to see which of them is the most sinful (living in a terrace, owning two different tape measures, wearing nylon etc) and give the number one hell-bound beast a special prize. (Maybe a toasting fork from Harrods). Perhaps we could do it according to the religion they were born into, to allow for any Sikh or Muslim or Buddhist comics. Ideally, weíd have a cradle atheist on the show, who would thus have a total score of zero - he hasnít broken any of his religionís commandments, because he never had a religion - and we can therefore conclusively prove that the only people who donít go to hell when they die are lifelong atheists.

60643.  Sat Mar 18, 2006 7:33 am Reply with quote

Mat is working on development of the spinoff show "What's Your Agenda?"

60646.  Sat Mar 18, 2006 7:45 am Reply with quote

Well, all right then, forget the atheist angle ... but it would be very funny to find out who was the biggest sinner, wouldn't it? Would tie in with the abolition of limbo, too ...

60661.  Sat Mar 18, 2006 12:31 pm Reply with quote

I can't see Phil Jupitus getting anywhere where limbo is concerned.

Frederick The Monk
60704.  Sat Mar 18, 2006 3:52 pm Reply with quote

He's the reason they're abolishing it - no room.


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