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1381251.  Mon May 10, 2021 3:30 pm Reply with quote

I have a friend who was named after Stalin. He has been trying the Dolly Parton diet.
It made Joe lean.

1381417.  Thu May 13, 2021 5:53 am Reply with quote

Would everyone who is here for the yodelling lessons please form an orderly orderly orderly queue?

1381463.  Thu May 13, 2021 3:48 pm Reply with quote

My grandparents names were PearlAnd Dean.
But we called them Grandma and Grand pa pa pa Pa pa pa pa pa pada..
1382559.  Tue Jun 01, 2021 11:57 am Reply with quote

I know Lance isn't a very common name these days but back in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.

1382767.  Sun Jun 06, 2021 7:02 am Reply with quote

At the village fair there was a fortune teller, so I thought I'd give it a try. Inside the tent there was an old woman in a silk scarf crouching over the usual crystal ball, and for a quid she told me that I would become rich and famous. As I stood up to leave she told me about the extra-cost option she offered. For £10 she would make my dream come true.

I was feeling generous, so I handed over a tenner. She told me to sit quietly and close my eyes. I heard her mutter some incantation and smelled a waft of incense, and then suddenly there was a big flash. I guess I should have asked if I got to choose the dream because when I opened my eyes and found I was standing stark naked in the middle of my infant school playground, surrounded by little children.

And that concludes the case for the defence, Your Honour...


1383295.  Thu Jun 17, 2021 3:05 am Reply with quote

England versus Scotland
Friday 18th June 2021
Kick off 8pm
One o’ ma mates has 2 spare corporate tickets in a box for the England Scotland game. He paid £400 each for them but he didnae realise it wis the same day as his covid 19 postponed wedding.

If ye are interested he is lookin’ for somebody tae take his place.
It’s at Falkirk Registry office at 2.30 pm. The brides name is Jean. She is 5’ 4’’ and aboot 12 stane. She is a very nice lassie and a no bad cook.

1383458.  Fri Jun 18, 2021 1:39 pm Reply with quote

I heard on the news that three cliff walkers had fallen to their deaths. It’s quite coincidental that they all had the same name.

1384549.  Mon Jul 05, 2021 4:06 am Reply with quote

Oscar was Wilde.
Gene was Wilder

1384550.  Mon Jul 05, 2021 4:07 am Reply with quote

A Ukrainian guy watched the series 'Chernobyl'
He said he counted 8 factual errors on the fingers of one hand.

1384551.  Mon Jul 05, 2021 4:09 am Reply with quote

L very much OL old chum!!!

1384860.  Fri Jul 09, 2021 8:03 am Reply with quote

A new Covid variant has emerged in the north-east.
It is being designated the Y-I variant.

I'll get my coat...

1385053.  Mon Jul 12, 2021 8:12 am Reply with quote

Elton John has bought his pet rabbit a treadmill and a set of weights.

It's a little fit bunny.

1385106.  Tue Jul 13, 2021 7:51 am Reply with quote

A friend accidentally swallowed some invisible ink.
He is in A&E, waiting to be seen.

1385346.  Fri Jul 16, 2021 4:36 pm Reply with quote

Shamelessly purloined from FB

"I can not shop at Costco anymore :-)))))Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.What did she think I had an elephant?So because I'm retired and have little to do,on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to Pee on a Fire Hydrant and a car hit me,
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Costco won't let me shop there anymore.Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy things to say.Forward this (especially) to all your retired will be their laugh for the day!"

1385348.  Fri Jul 16, 2021 10:03 pm Reply with quote

Lockdown 'dad gag' jokes as posted by one of my Aussie friends on FB:

The word 'Diputseromneve' may look ridiculous, but backwards it's even more stupid!


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