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Jokes.

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Jenny
972723.  Thu Feb 14, 2013 10:49 am Reply with quote

Cartoon in the Daily Telegraph today shows a worker next to a mincer with meat coming from it and a 'processed foods' sign above it. The worker is reading a Valentine's card that says:

Roses are red
Violets are cute
Enjoy your lasagne
Watch out for the 'Bute'.


Made me laugh.

 
Peregrine Arkwright
972726.  Thu Feb 14, 2013 10:55 am Reply with quote

.

Apart from the Bute problem, it all comes down to a simple matter of labelling. They never had any consumer resistance to horseradish sauce.

And are they going to pretend that all those chemicals they inject into edible cattle are tested on humans first?

 
Bondee
972727.  Thu Feb 14, 2013 10:58 am Reply with quote

I've just put the bins out.

The kids round here will set fire to anything.

 
Zebra57
972819.  Thu Feb 14, 2013 2:57 pm Reply with quote

An opportunity for Findus or Burger King?

http://www.cavendishg.com/horseracingsponsorship.html

 
Celebaelin
972846.  Thu Feb 14, 2013 5:02 pm Reply with quote

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.

 
'yorz
972847.  Thu Feb 14, 2013 5:07 pm Reply with quote

 
Celebaelin
972852.  Thu Feb 14, 2013 5:14 pm Reply with quote

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

 
'yorz
972856.  Thu Feb 14, 2013 5:30 pm Reply with quote

In that case there is a body missing.
And beware of The Glove!

 
PDR
972876.  Thu Feb 14, 2013 6:25 pm Reply with quote

As we're going for the tasteless ones...

In court he'll just have to brazen it out and stand on his own two feet.

He didn't want to commit to a relationship - he wanted to be a footloose young blade.

He may be famous, rich, fit and attractive, but he has no sole.

...and so on.

PDR

 
zomgmouse
972878.  Thu Feb 14, 2013 6:26 pm Reply with quote

An angel must be missing from heaven. Id know, I just shot one. Dont look in my attic.
Your dad must be an astronomer and a thief, because he kept looking into my house with his telescope and now my TV is gone.
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put I after P, then follow it with two Zs and an A.
Are you a parking ticket? Because I hate parking tickets.
Shall I compare thee to a summers day? Youre hot. And full of mosquitoes.
Are those space pants? Didnt I tell you not to look in my attic?
If I had a garden, Id put your two lips and my two lips together. Currently theyre in my attic. Seriously, dont look there.
Your eyes are like a sunset: a harbinger of darkness.
Do your legs hurt from running through my attic all night? I told you, dont look there.
If I said you had a nice court case, would you hold it against me?

 
tetsabb
972889.  Thu Feb 14, 2013 7:05 pm Reply with quote

Maybe Pistorious had had too much to drink; he was legless at the time

 
zomgmouse
972922.  Thu Feb 14, 2013 11:03 pm Reply with quote

One day Chevy Chase asked me to take him to Eugene Levy for some alcohol. When we got there, it turned out he didn't have any.

So basically I drove Chevy to Levy but Levy was dry.

 
filofax
972937.  Fri Feb 15, 2013 4:08 am Reply with quote

what about Pistorious being denied bail in case he does a runner?

(sorry, dreadful I know)

 
djgordy
972939.  Fri Feb 15, 2013 4:14 am Reply with quote

A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "sorry, we don't serve food".

 
zomgmouse
973627.  Sat Feb 16, 2013 10:09 pm Reply with quote

I was at a charity auction when I noticed they were selling raffle tickets, so I went up and checked out the prizes. Most of it was the usual mix of kitchen appliances and cheap holidays, but the first prize, I saw, was an entire shopping centre. So I bought a whole bunch of tickets to increase my chances, and hey, it's charity.
After a while they get everyone to sit down and start drawing the tickets.
"And fifth prize, the steak knives, goes to... number 76!"
I looked down... I had that ticket!
"Fourth prize, the lovely stereo, goes to... number 59!"
Mine again! Odd luck, certainly.
And the next one was mine again! And even the second prize!
I was almost in need of a new pair of pants by this stage. Steak knives, a stereo, a caravan and a week-long trip to Fiji were all mine. All that remained was the shopping centre.
"And the final, big first prize, an entire shopping centre goes to... number 18!"
Damn it! Not my ticket!
I looked around to see if anyone had called out to claim the prize, but nobody was moving.
"Does nobody have that ticket?"
No sound. No movement.
"Well, we'll have to forfeit that prize. I guess it's like they say," said the announcer, "You can't win a mall."

 

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