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Insults and put downs

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djgordy
720895.  Sat Jun 19, 2010 2:53 am Reply with quote

My favourites are:

"The trouble with Michael is that he had to buy his own furniture". The thoroughly odious Alan Clark of Michael Heseltine as reported by the Edwina Curry,

"Blimey, if I had known the bar was set so low I would have had a go myself." The thoroughly odious Piers Morgan on hearing that Kate Garraway had married Derek Draper.

Perhaps nice people aren't capable of good insults.

Here is a particularly QI one from the Bard.

"You egg, you fry of treachery". (Macbeth).

A couple of football ones.

"Berlin has everything. It is a cosmopolitan city with theatres and the people are open-minded. They are not as narrow-minded like the people in Nottingham. There are no theatres, no cinemas, hardly anything. All Nottingham has is Robin Hood… and he's dead”. Footballer Bryan Roy on moving from Hertha Berlin to Snottingham Forest.

"I don’t think heading a ball has got anything to do with it, footballers are stupid enough anyway." An anonymous FA official remarking on a report which claimed that heading the ball caused brain damage,

 
zomgmouse
720905.  Sat Jun 19, 2010 3:20 am Reply with quote

"You should have been a blow-job." - Bill Hicks

 
Spud McLaren
720922.  Sat Jun 19, 2010 4:23 am Reply with quote

A non-famous one:

My gran: My new eiderdown keeps me lovely and warm.

My mum (her daughter): Well, it keeps you warm...

 
Flash
720976.  Sat Jun 19, 2010 6:19 am Reply with quote

djgordy wrote:
"The trouble with Michael is that he had to buy his own furniture". The thoroughly odious Alan Clark of Michael Heseltine as reported by the Edwina Curry

Actually Michael Jopling as reported by Alan Clark, I think.

 
djgordy
721028.  Sat Jun 19, 2010 8:08 am Reply with quote

You are right, it was Michael Jopling saying that about Michael Heseltine. Alan Clarke passed it on and Edwina Curry mentioned it in a review of Clarke's biography.

 
Celebaelin
721039.  Sat Jun 19, 2010 8:27 am Reply with quote

Quote:
The devil damn thee black, thou cream-faced loon!

Macbeth, Act 5, Scene 3

Quote:
Thou whoreson zed! Thou unnecessary letter!

King Lear, Act 2, Scene 2

Quote:
Like rotten mackerel by moonlight he shines and stinks.

John Randolph of Edward Livingston

Quote:
He uses statistics like a drunken man uses lamp-posts, for support rather than illumination.

Andrew Lang (probably)

Quote:
The Right Honourable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests, and to his imagination for his facts.

Richard Brinsley Sheridan to Mr. Dundas in the House of Commons

As one suspects is the case with so many great quips Sheridan had been working on that one for quite some time to get it down to as few words as possible; the luckless Mr. Dundas merely presented him with the opportunity for a merciless squelch. Even the pause between 'jests' and 'and' was meticulously planned - it's a verbal mugging in search of a victim.

 
brunel
721064.  Sat Jun 19, 2010 9:25 am Reply with quote

The world of sport sometimes offers a few good lines at times. For example, there was a comment from Martin Brundle as he commentated on one F1 race, and spotted the Ferrari test driver Luca Badoer:
"He couldn't drive a nail through a plank, let alone drive an F1 car".

Also from the world of F1 was this comment from David Coulthard, upon seeing Juan Pablo Montoya in his white Williams overalls:
"Is the Michelin man paying us a visit?"
(For those who don't know, Montoya was always accused of being a bit overweight).

 
Moosh
721066.  Sat Jun 19, 2010 9:31 am Reply with quote

Russell Brand about someone who wrote into the Sun:
Quote:
You are essentially an oxygen thief

 
crissdee
721072.  Sat Jun 19, 2010 10:05 am Reply with quote

Rather puts me in mind of the celebrated slander action Pot vs Kettle

 
Celebaelin
721102.  Sat Jun 19, 2010 11:52 am Reply with quote

Quote:
He has to learn that petulance is not sarcasm, and that insolence is not invective.

Benjamin Disraeli on Sir Charles Wood

Quote:
Shit in a silk stocking

Napoleon on Tallyrand

Quote:
the snivelling, dribbling, dithering, palsied pulse-less lot that make up England today

D.H. Lawrence

 
tetsabb
721109.  Sat Jun 19, 2010 12:13 pm Reply with quote

Celebaelin wrote:

Quote:
the snivelling, dribbling, dithering, palsied pulse-less lot that make up England today

D.H. Lawrence


DH Lawrence had some kind of vision of the future England football squad, clearly

Back to sport for a moment, and we can not move on without some famous Australian sledging. (For those who think I am talking about winter sports, no -- it is in cricket when fielders near to the batsmen try to put him off with rude comments)

Fielder to Shane Warne - "How come you're so fat?"
Warne - "'Cos every time I shag your missus she gives me a biscuit"
Though this article suggests other players
http://www.independent.co.uk/sport/cricket/the-joy-of-sledging-1727087.html

And this from wiki about the great Sir Vivian Richards
Quote:
The great West Indian batsman Viv Richards was notorious for punishing bowlers that dared to sledge him. So much so, that many opposing captains banned their players from the practice. However in a county game against Glamorgan, Greg Thomas attempted to sledge him after he had played and missed at several balls in a row. He informed Richards: "It's red, round and weighs about five ounces, in case you were wondering." Richards hammered the next delivery out of the ground and into a nearby river. Turning to the bowler, he commented: "Greg, you know what it looks like, now go and find it."[

 
bemahan
721124.  Sat Jun 19, 2010 12:36 pm Reply with quote

Quote:
“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”

Winston Churchill on Clement Attlee

 
Spud McLaren
721141.  Sat Jun 19, 2010 1:11 pm Reply with quote

Reportedly...

Benjamin Disraeli was ordered to withdraw his declaration that half the Cabinet were asses. "Mr. Speaker, I withdraw," was Disraeli's response. "Half the Cabinet are not asses."

Source: Sarah Lyall, "The World; The Right Hon. Twerp Debates the Windbag", New York Times, 2/26/1995
***********
George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
Bring a friend, if you have one.

Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he had a previous engagement. He also attached the following:
Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one.
*********************
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Churchill on Sir Stafford Cripps
*********************
Bessie Braddock: Winston, you are drunk, and what's more, you are disgustingly drunk.
Churchill: Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what's more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly.

This exchange was confirmed to Richard Langworth by Ronald Golding, a bodyguard present on the occasion (as Churchill was leaving the House of Commons in 1946).

 
bemahan
721143.  Sat Jun 19, 2010 1:15 pm Reply with quote

Quote:
Lady Nancy Astor: "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea."
Churchill:"Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.”

Not sure if this is true, but I like it!

 
Spud McLaren
721144.  Sat Jun 19, 2010 1:18 pm Reply with quote

bemahan wrote:
Quote:
Lady Nancy Astor: "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea."
Churchill:"Nancy, if I were your husband, I'd drink it.”

Not sure if this is true, but I like it!
Looks as though it isn't - but it's a good 'un, all the same.

# George Thayer (who worked as research assistant to Randolph Churchill on the latter's biography of Winston), wrote in 1971 that this anecdote was false. In any case, this joke appears to be an old one. The January 3, 1900 issue of the Chicago Tribune printed the following: “‘If I had a husband like you,’ she said with concentrated scorn, ‘I'd give him poison!’ ‘Mad'm,’ he rejoined, looking her over with a feeble sort of smile, ‘If I had a wife like you I'd take it.’”
# As cited in The Yale Book of quotations (2006), ed. Shapiro & Epstein, Yale University Press, p. 155

 

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