| nitwit02
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| 721237. Sat Jun 19, 2010 8:07 pm |
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From a recent movie:
"The only way you'll ever get laid is to crawl up a chicken's arse and wait .." |
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| zomgmouse
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| 721254. Sat Jun 19, 2010 10:46 pm |
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| Spud McLaren wrote: |
***********
George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note:
Bring a friend, if you have one.
Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he had a previous engagement. He also attached the following:
Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one. |
On Shaw:
"Bernard Shaw has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"It is his life work to announce the obvious in terms of the scandalous." - H.L. Mencken
"Mr. Shaw is (I suspect) the only man on earth who has never written any poetry." - G.K. Chesterton
"He writes his plays for the ages - the ages between five and twelve." - George Jean Nathan |
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| Ian Dunn
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| 721273. Sun Jun 20, 2010 3:01 am |
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Surely the best insults come from Edmund Blackadder.
| Quote: | Blackadder (Prince Edmund): Percy, far from being a fit consort for a Prince of the Realm, you would bore the leggings of a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. You brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly and the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the Court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a funny codpiece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. That's is why you're dismissed.
Percy: Oh, I see.
Blackadder: And as for you, Baldrick.
Baldrick: Yes.
Blackadder: You're out, too.
Baldrick: Fair enough. |
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| Flash
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| 721301. Sun Jun 20, 2010 4:47 am |
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| Spud McLaren wrote: | Bessie Braddock: Winston, you are drunk, and what's more, you are disgustingly drunk.
Churchill: Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what's more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly.
This exchange was confirmed to Richard Langworth by Ronald Golding, a bodyguard present on the occasion (as Churchill was leaving the House of Commons in 1946). |
Spud, I hadn´t seen that business about the Langworth/Golding confirmation before, and I assumed that the story suggested such grotesque discourtesy on Churchill´s part that it must be apocryphal. Do you know where this Langworth wrote about it? I´d be interested to track it down.
However, this is definitely WC Fields:
| Quote: | Old Man: You're drunk!
Fields: And you're crazy. But I'll be sober tomorrow and you'll be crazy the rest of your life. |
From It's A Gift (1934) (script credited to Jack Cunningham from the play The Comic Supplement by JP McEvoy and to Fields himself under the pseudonym Charles Bogle).
So, if Churchill did say that he was not only discourteous, but also a plagiarist. |
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| tetsabb
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| 721306. Sun Jun 20, 2010 5:35 am |
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American journalist, critic and writer Dorothy Parker (1893 -1967) was no slouch when it came to being rude.
| Quote: | “She looks like something that would eat its young"
“This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.”
“If you want to see what God thinks of money, just look at all the people He gave it to.”
“This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.”
"That woman speaks eighteen languages, and she can’t say 'No' in any of them."
"She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B."
"Mrs. Ewing was a short woman who accepted the obligation borne by so many short women to make up in vivacity what they lack in number of inches from the ground."
"The only “ism” Hollywood believes in is plagiarism."
"I regret to say that during the first act of this, I fell so soundly asleep that the gentleman who brought me piled up a barricade of overcoat, hat, stick, and gloves between us to establish a separation in the eyes of the world, and went into an impersonation of A Young Man Who Has Come to the Theater Unaccompanied." |
Ouch
She also remarked that 'Heterosexuality is not normal, just common'; I don't know when she said/wrote that, but it was a brave thing to do! |
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| zomgmouse
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| 721313. Sun Jun 20, 2010 6:13 am |
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| tetsabb wrote: | | American journalist, critic and writer Dorothy Parker (1893 -1967) was no slouch when it came to being rude. |
Reviewing The House at Pooh Corner:
"Tonstant Weader fwowed up."
On Katharine Hepburn:
"She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B." |
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| Efros
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| 721319. Sun Jun 20, 2010 6:40 am |
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One for all the mission statement quoting barnacle shaggers out there
| Quote: | "Remember, there is no "I" in Team!"
"No, but there is a "U" in "cu*t!" |
One that was used extensively in school
| Quote: | | "If wit was shit you'd be constipated" |
One from an ancient Student Rag mag, do they still do those things?
| Quote: | | "If all the students from St Hilda's were laid end to end... I wouldn't be surprised' |
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| Celebaelin
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| 721353. Sun Jun 20, 2010 9:00 am |
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| Quote: | | If you want to know what the Lord God thinks of money, just look at those to whom he gives it. |
Man and the Gospel (1865) by Thomas Guthrie "and you may know how little God thinks of money by observing on what bad and contemptable characters he often bestows it."
| Quote: | | And there was that wholesale libel on a Yale prom. If all the girls attending it were laid end to end, Mrs Parker said, she wouldn't be at all surprised. |
Parker quoted by Alexander Woollcott's in the essay Our Mrs Parker from While Rome Burns (1934)
| Quote: | | She is a combination of Little Nell and Lady Macbeth. |
Alexander Woollcott
| Quote: | | Don't worry about Alan, he'll always land on somebody else's feet. |
| Quote: | | That's what I get for putting all my eggs in one bastard. |
Dorothy Parker on her relationship with Alan Campbell |
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| djgordy
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| 721380. Sun Jun 20, 2010 10:10 am |
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If, in the 17th century, someone had said to you"your wife is a whore", why would you have been insulted.
Incorrect answer - because your wife's virtue is not to be questioned.
(Other possible incorrect answers: "I don't live in the 17th century" and "I don't have a wife".)
Correct answer - because it implies that you are too poor to be able to afford to marry a virtuous woman of status
(The source for this was a chap at a Sealed Knot display I saw this afternoon. He had a 12ft pike in one hand and a musket in the other at the time so I was inclined to take his word for it.) |
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| Spud McLaren
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| 721515. Sun Jun 20, 2010 5:38 pm |
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| Flash wrote: | | Spud McLaren wrote: | Bessie Braddock: Winston, you are drunk, and what's more, you are disgustingly drunk.
Churchill: Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what's more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly.
This exchange was confirmed to Richard Langworth by Ronald Golding, a bodyguard present on the occasion (as Churchill was leaving the House of Commons in 1946). |
Spud, I hadn´t seen that business about the Langworth/Golding confirmation before, and I assumed that the story suggested such grotesque discourtesy on Churchill´s part that it must be apocryphal. Do you know where this Langworth wrote about it? I´d be interested to track it down.
However, this is definitely WC Fields:
| Quote: | Old Man: You're drunk!
Fields: And you're crazy. But I'll be sober tomorrow and you'll be crazy the rest of your life. |
From It's A Gift (1934) (script credited to Jack Cunningham from the play The Comic Supplement by JP McEvoy and to Fields himself under the pseudonym Charles Bogle).
So, if Churchill did say that he was not only discourteous, but also a plagiarist. |
I found it by Googling, on a "compilation" webpage. However, I hope this is of use:
"Churchill’s poise was also displayed in his famous wit. One evening as a tired and wobbly Churchill was leaving the House of Commons, the Labour Member of Parliament Bessie Braddock accused him of being “disgustingly drunk.” He replied: “Bessie, my dear…you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly.”23"
"[23]Ronald Golding to Richard M. Langworth, Churchill by Himself (New York: Public Affairs, 2008), 550."
From http://www.winstonchurchill.org/learn/biography/biography/churchill-leader-and-statesman.
Richard Langworth has his own website through which, it appears, he can be contacted.
| Flash wrote: | | So, if Churchill did say that he was not only discourteous, but also a plagiarist. |
I think there were other occasions when he'd stooped to plagiarism, but at least he did it his own way. |
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| Ion Zone
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| 721525. Sun Jun 20, 2010 6:58 pm |
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| I love this sort of stuff. I often wish I could do it. The only one I've ever really come up with is just utterly, completely, childishly, and disgustingly off putting. |
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| Efros
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| 721533. Sun Jun 20, 2010 7:41 pm |
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| A favourite of one of my friends, "He/She/It should be taken outside and shot with a ball of their own shit" |
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| Spud McLaren
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| 721535. Sun Jun 20, 2010 7:54 pm |
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| From Lillian Beckwith: "He should have a red-hot poker shoved up his arse - handle first, so's he burns his hands pulling it out." |
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| crissdee
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| 721799. Mon Jun 21, 2010 11:10 am |
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I have mentioned this before (I think) but I like it so much I'm going to mention it again.
Someone I can't remember about disc jockeys;
"Failed film extras, teethed and tanned, voltaic with manic enthusiasm, spouting their useless encomia, knowledgeable only in the brief pathetic chronicles of the shag-haired twangers. They are electronic lice. They are the Hollow Men." |
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| Efros
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| 721822. Mon Jun 21, 2010 11:42 am |
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| I think he/she just about hit the mark there. |
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