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Theoretical Pet Cookery (Poems)

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Leith
799300.  Thu Mar 24, 2011 6:38 pm Reply with quote

Based on Episode 10 of the G series and MatC's post 319075:

The nameless dish

The Galápagos islands are home to a beast
That for years had no scientific name,
On account of it making so tasty a feast
That none made it far from whence they came.

Ship-borne naturalists caught them and brought them on-board,
But no scholarly goals could compete
With insatiable appetites of the accord
That the creature was scrumptious to eat.

So the learned nomenclature stayed incomplete,
Since there's no taxonomical group
Could be rightly applied to its succulent meat,
Nor its bones once they're turned into soup.

Though its flesh lined the stomach of Darwin himself,
Evolution had sealed its fate -
Having formed of its body such culinary wealth,
All enclosed in its own serving plate.

 
Leith
799316.  Thu Mar 24, 2011 7:02 pm Reply with quote

Ah, a new page. Lest that cause anyone to miss AFB's fine contribution:

AlmondFacialBar wrote:
Recession Dining

One fine day I met my friends
And it was decided,
That soon I'd have to give them food
While more inclined to hide it.

A dinner party was the thing,
That my friends expected.
My claim I had no money
Was something they rejected.

Thus I sat there thinking hard
With a feeling of depression.
How to feed a bunch of friends
In the depth of a recession?

Then I went to Tesco
Barely able to afford a gnat.
But finally inspiration hit:
Instead of cooking catfood, why not cook the cat?

Marmaduke was a tabby
And I loved him quite a lot.
But there's no time for sentiment
Faced with an empty cooking pot.

The first course was a consomee
Made from finest kitty carcass.
I also threw in garden herbs
And bits of my neighbour's jackass.

The second course was roof hare,
Which is classic German cooking.
They all thought it was real bunny
Or else they'd have been puking.

The third course, i.e. the dessert,
Turned out to be a challenge.
Cat is not naturally sweet,
So maybe should I add some orange?

Mousse au chat et a l'orange
Turned out a fine solution,
And my guests still talked for weeks to come
About my culinary revolution.

Some people say cats aren't nice.
Some even say they're vicious.
But Marmaduke was different:
First cuddly, then delicious.

:-)

AlmondFacialBar

 
AlmondFacialBar
799336.  Fri Mar 25, 2011 2:38 am Reply with quote

Leith wrote:
Based on Episode 10 of the G series and MatC's post 319075:

The nameless dish

The Galápagos islands are home to a beast
That for years had no scientific name,
On account of it making so tasty a feast
That none made it far from whence they came.

Ship-borne naturalists caught them and brought them on-board,
But no scholarly goals could compete
With insatiable appetites of the accord
That the creature was scrumptious to eat.

So the learned nomenclature stayed incomplete,
Since there's no taxonomical group
Could be rightly applied to its succulent meat,
Nor its bones once they're turned into soup.

Though its flesh lined the stomach of Darwin himself,
Evolution had sealed its fate -
Having formed of its body such culinary wealth,
All enclosed in its own serving plate.


Rarely has the fate of the Giant Tortoise been described more poignantly. *sniff*

:-)

AlmondFacialBar

 
Leith
799609.  Sat Mar 26, 2011 6:53 am Reply with quote

Wee, sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a filling for a toastie!

 
Jenny
799654.  Sat Mar 26, 2011 10:18 am Reply with quote

Oh I like that one, Leith!

 
AlmondFacialBar
800505.  Mon Mar 28, 2011 3:39 pm Reply with quote

Dog Dinner

Suzy was my neighbour's dog;
She looked like a terrier of sorts.
She barked all day, she barked all night
And made me shout rather loud and unpleasant retorts.

One fine day she entered my garden
While I was trying to mow the lawn,
And immediately I seized my chance -
It was time for some doggie food porn!

First I had to get the fur off,
To get some decent crackling.
And soon the entire neighbourhood
Echoed with my evil cackling.

But what is evil anyway?
She'd kept me awake for more than three years.
Whatever about her actual owner,
I knew no one else would shed any tears.

The fur successfully removed,
It was time for delicious glazing.
Honey, mustard, a couple of herbs,
And by then my barbecue fire was blazing.

Then I quickly prepared a few spuds
And stuffed them into the glowing coals.
I finished the meal off with a salad
And presented it all in nice, folksy bowls.

When Suzy was done I invited the neighbours round,
That is, everyone except her owner.
And when they saw what was on the serving plate,
Several males suffered a boner.

I had arranged her attractively,
surrounded with herbs and drizzled with glazing
And everyone was so happy to be rid of her
That County Wicklow rang with their praising.

I took some lovely photographs, too,
Just to make the whole thing more porny
And nowadays, whenever I'm down
I look at them, enjoy the silence, and the way my life's got less thorny.

(Suzy is barking outside, btw... ;-))

:-)

AlmondFacialBar

 
Ainee
824268.  Wed Jun 15, 2011 5:02 pm Reply with quote

Applaws for the cat poem by AFB!

 
pola
874548.  Mon Jan 02, 2012 10:09 am Reply with quote

We had a parrot called Fred and a monkey we called Bimbo
There was no money in the house so for food it was just like bingo
Whenever your number came up, you had a choice of meat
Would it be Fred’s wings or breast, or little Bimbos feet.
We had a one legged chicken and Hoppy, was her name
She fed the bleeding lot of us as she lived up to her name
One leg first made the stew, which fed us for a day
When dad chopped off the other leg, she couldn’t run away
Stew we lived on growing up but the ingredients are harder to find
You’re not allowed to eat your pets; if you do you now get fined.

 

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