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Theoretical Pet Cookery (Poems)

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140863.  Wed Jan 31, 2007 6:24 pm Reply with quote

A liquidised frog
Spins rapidly, and changes
From bright green to red.

141827.  Sat Feb 03, 2007 9:18 am Reply with quote

A pan of hot oil
A frog is dropped gently in.
Vigorous sizzling.

(after Basho)

Sebastian flyte
238930.  Tue Dec 04, 2007 4:33 am Reply with quote

Eating Pets for One

They toast themselves with the juice of an ass
and eat their pack-dogs like pack-dogs.
Gorging themselves en masse.
(no bloody class)
I, of a sensitive constitution
am afraid I must pass
(finding myself uninvited)

I boil up a kettle in my rooms,
I make my own toast.
I fill to the brim my little plastic pot of powder,
and devour (delighted)
My instant poodle noodle chowder.

by Shane Dallesandro (me)

238971.  Tue Dec 04, 2007 6:02 am Reply with quote

Apologia Pro Tweety Pie Sua

Once an angelic child,
I soon went to the bad;
Not completely at first,
I was merely a tad

On the larcenous side.
My crimes were not major
Until I developed
My strange "pet-o-phagia".

I was next door, indulging
My criminal habit,
Pinching bits and bobs, Bob
Being their pet white rabbit.

Absent mindedly peckish,
I nibbled the bunny.
The taste was delicious,
I felt wonderfully funny.

And thus it is that a once
Sweet child of four may
Become, by fourteen, a
Pet murdering gourmet.

I've come a long way since that
Bob's ear carpaccio;
An adventurous cook (success
Still sometimes patchy - oh

Well). An unsavoury
Mongrel called Rover
Became a deliciously
Canine pavlova.

Some cats - I stole mine
From, I think, Alan Whicker - may,
If you're feline inclined,
Make a very fine fricassee.

Hamsters (get plenty, say
Thirty or more, free
With five finger discount)
Become gallimaufry.

I once nicked a dog from a
Scientist at NASA - old
Rex was a great pet,
Especially casseroled.

Don't be coy, just be subtle
When stealing coi carp,
Which, all carping aside,
Can be pleasantly sharp.

My friend Hans lost his parrot;
He never knew Otto
Was a Polly-unsaturate
Loaded risotto.

The rozzers came round at last,
Took me away,
Claimed all this was illegal;
Well, what could I say?

As a culinary slaughterer
Since but a nipper
I was Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall
Meets Jack the Ripper.

Still, I've managed to salvage
Some hope from the wreckage;
I'm "The Birdman of Wandsworth",
And feeling quite peckish.

Last edited by 96aelw on Tue Dec 04, 2007 8:09 am; edited 1 time in total

239002.  Tue Dec 04, 2007 6:27 am Reply with quote

*Tumultuous applause*

A triumph of poesy which by its majestic contrivance carries us away to a world of gustatorial whimsy - ultimately a metropolitan tour de force.

<E> magestic?! As in a wizard's staff presumably!

Last edited by Celebaelin on Tue Dec 04, 2007 8:31 am; edited 2 times in total

Sebastian flyte
239014.  Tue Dec 04, 2007 6:40 am Reply with quote

That is wonderful (96aelw)


239052.  Tue Dec 04, 2007 8:13 am Reply with quote

Sorry, forgot a bit. Too kind, sirs. I have quite improbable amounts of free time at present; what you have witnessed is merely the outpourings of an increasingly unhinged mind.

239443.  Tue Dec 04, 2007 6:04 pm Reply with quote

Fabulous 96! (I may call you 96 for short, mayn't I?)

239449.  Tue Dec 04, 2007 6:25 pm Reply with quote

Thank you.

I think, Mrs Woodsman, our aquaintance is probably sufficiently well established to permit that. To be Frank, I'm prepared to answer to 96, Alfred, Albert, Arthur, Frederick, Robert, Henry, George, Taffy, Susan or "Oi, you!", really.

239480.  Tue Dec 04, 2007 8:43 pm Reply with quote

OK, Oi you, I'll bear that in mind :-)

Belgian Billy
257318.  Sat Jan 12, 2008 11:35 pm Reply with quote

Life is a


and a


and a

beautiful little girl waiting for you to tell her a story

798925.  Wed Mar 23, 2011 10:45 am Reply with quote

OMG! What a wonderful wonderful thread!

One little doggie, two little cats
Lightly fry in olive oil and serve with sautÚd rats!



799035.  Wed Mar 23, 2011 4:58 pm Reply with quote

Recession Dining

One fine day I met my friends
And it was decided,
That soon I'd have to give them food
While more inclined to hide it.

A dinner party was the thing,
That my friends expected.
My claim I had no money
Was something they rejected.

Thus I sat there thinking hard
With a feeling of depression.
How to feed a bunch of friends
In the depth of a recession?

Then I went to Tesco
Barely able to afford a gnat.
But finally inspiration hit:
Instead of cooking catfood, why not cook the cat?

Marmaduke was a tabby
And I loved him quite a lot.
But there's no time for sentiment
Faced with an empty cooking pot.

The first course was a consomee
Made from finest kitty carcass.
I also threw in garden herbs
And bits of my neighbour's jackass.

The second course was roof hare,
Which is classic German cooking.
They all thought it was real bunny
Or else they'd have been puking.

The third course, i.e. the dessert,
Turned out to be a challenge.
Cat is not naturally sweet,
So maybe should I add some orange?

Mousse au chat et a l'orange
Turned out a fine solution,
And my guests still talked for weeks to come
About my culinary revolution.

Some people say cats aren't nice.
Some even say they're vicious.
But Marmaduke was different:
First cuddly, then delicious.



799293.  Thu Mar 24, 2011 6:10 pm Reply with quote

Marvellous, AFB.

799295.  Thu Mar 24, 2011 6:29 pm Reply with quote

Ditto! :D


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